DATING & RELATIONSHIPS

Do you think it’s possible to rebuild trust after your partner cheats?

14 steps to rebuild your relationship after your partner admits to having cheated
Infidelity can doom a relationship but if both of you still want to make it work, taking these steps can make your relationship as happy and loving as it once was.

It’s important to spend some time by yourself thinking about your relationship and how much you’re willing to invest in it. If your partner wants to stay with you then you need to ask yourself if he or she is worth fighting for. Do you believe in the relationship? Do you think you have a future together? If the answer is yes, then you’re ready to start fighting to save your relationship.

Think about whether you really want to be in this relationship. (Pexels)
Think about whether you really want to be in this relationship. (Pexels)

2. Find out all the details about the infidelity

You may need to get all the details of the infidelity out of your partner. How many times it occurred, what lies he or she told you, who else knew about it, how long it’s been going on. Once there’s complete honesty and vulnerability about what happened, you’ll be able to come to terms with exactly how you feel about being cheated on, and decide if the breach of trust is too wide to bridge.

Ask your partner to tell you everything. (Pexels)
Ask your partner to tell you everything. (Pexels)

3. Write down how you feel and express it to your partner

A good way to get your thoughts in order is to write them down and honestly express all the thoughts going on in your head. Then have a sit down with your partner and express to them everything you’ve written down so that they know what’s going on in your head. Remember to be patient in your communication so that you can have a conversation rather than an argument.

Write down how you feel and express it to your partner. (Pexels)
Write down how you feel and express it to your partner. (Pexels)

4. Ask your partner to express their feelings

Once you’ve talked about how you felt and are ready to hear what your partner has to say, ask him or her to tell you about how they feel. Find out what they were unhappy about in your relationship, ask them to bring out the feelings that made them feel like cheating was the better option, and find out how they feel about their infidelity now.

Ask your partner to express their feelings as well. (Pexels)
Ask your partner to express their feelings as well. (Pexels)

5. Acknowledge both of your wrongdoings

You may not feel like you’ve done anything wrong or may think that you are not responsible for your partner cheating, the latter of which is true. Despite that, it’s important to acknowledge that you were not the perfect partner either, and that you may have hurt your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.  Having your partner acknowledge that they hurt you is also important for you to start healing.

Both of you need to take responsibility for your actions. (Pexels)
Both of you need to take responsibility for your actions. (Pexels)

6. Determine the amends that will need to be made

Do you want your partner to apologize to you? Do you want him or her to reveal what they have done to your family, friends, and/or children and apologize to all of them? Do you want your partner to cut off all ties with the person they cheated on you with? Discuss what would help them make reparations and make you feel like they’re invested in changing their ways.

Do you want your partner to apologize to your friends and family? (Pexels)
Do you want your partner to apologize to your friends and family? (Pexels)

7. Draw boundaries and set expectations for your partner

This may not sit well with either of you, but an important step to rebuilding trust in your relationship is to determine your expectations from each other. If you decide to update each other about where you are or tell each other where you are every night, that might help. You may decide that both of you will never let themselves be alone or even intoxicated around someone of the opposite sex (or of the same sex if you’re the same sex couple).

Discuss your boundaries and expectations from each other. (Pexels)
Discuss your boundaries and expectations from each other. (Pexels)

8. Consider seeing an expert together

Taking your problems to a counselor will do wonders for your relationship. You can get plenty of insight on how to make things work between you, learn how to improve your relationship dynamic, and also have an unbiased third person who will be able to give you feedback and help the two of you draw closer to each other. Working through your feelings with an expert will bring a lot more closure than dealing with it yourself.

Meeting a counselor could help you. (Pexels)
Meeting a counselor could help you. (Pexels)

9. Acknowledge your right to be angry but slowly let it go

You have every right to feel hurt and upset about being betrayed and cheated on. Acknowledge these emotions and let yourself feel them. As time goes by, learn to let them go. It helps to tell yourself that even though you feel hurt and upset you will not hold it against them. Over time the intensity of the hurt and betrayal will lessen.

Learn to let go of your anger. (Pexels)
Learn to let go of your anger. (Pexels)

10. Forgive your partner and learn not to blame yourself

Forgiving your partner may take time, but once you start to vocalize your desire to forgive them and not let their past infidelity get in the way of you having a fulfilling relationship, you will feel yourself changing. It’s important also not to blame yourself for being cheated on. Cheating is a choice your partner consciously made, and there’s nothing you could have done to keep it from happening. Accepting this can help you heal.

Don't blame yourself. (Pexels)
Don’t blame yourself. (Pexels)

11. Learn to trust each other and be accountable to each other

Rebuilding trust can take a long time but start by not getting paranoid about your partner. Confronting them every time you see them talking to someone else may not be healthy, so is demanding to see all their texts every day and insisting on accompanying them everywhere. Have a healthy amount of accountability so that you aren’t consumed with fear but are also not in the dark about what your partner is up to.

Learn to trust each other. (Pexels)
Learn to trust each other. (Pexels)

12. Avoid being vengeful or seeing your partner as evil

One of the signs that you haven’t gotten over your partner’s infidelity is that you bring it up all the time or try to make them miserable about it every chance you get. You may become irascible and hostile, or even cold, trying to inflict as much hurt on them as they inflicted on you. You may even demonize them in your mind, seeing them as someone who will hurt you. Stop these thoughts and behavior the moment you notice them.

Don't be vengeful or cold. (Pexels)
Don’t be vengeful or cold. (Pexels)

13. Do things out of love and do things together

If you feel like showing your lover how much you love them, don’t hold back. The smallest gestures of love can go a long way toward helping your relationship get back on track. Find ways to do things together so that you enjoy each other’s company and aren’t tempted to seek comfort elsewhere. Ask your partner what they like to do so that you can be involved in each other’s lives more.

Do things out of love for each other. (Pexels)
Do things out of love for each other. (Pexels)

14. Allow your inner circle to support you and help you

It’s important to involve the people closest to you in your healing process. Spending time with your family and friends can help you establish a deeper connection and strengthen your bond as a couple. Whether people are privy to the infidelity or not, having a good time with people who love you can give your relationship a stronger foundation and give you a safe place to go when things don’t go well.

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Allow your friends to help you in this tough time
Forget Googling Your Date, Do This Instead
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How much do you know about the person you’re dating? Let’s be honest. If you just met on one of those dating apps (or even if you hit it off at your local coffee shop), bringing up criminal history, crippling debt, or fake social media accounts will just kill the mood. And even if you do talk about it, do you think someone with a history of sexual assault or domestic abuse is going to be upfront and honest with you?
Thankfully, there’s an easy, anonymous way to unveil everything from arrest records to car loans on the person you’re sharing that drink with: InstantCheckmate. This site — which even the DMV uses for its background checks — has helped thousands of users uncover the truth about the people in their lives, and even find out things they didn’t know about themselves.
Here are our top 5 reasons you should do a background check before your next date:
1 – Are you dating a sex offender?
It could happen to you. Apps like Tinder, Bumble, OK Cupid and other dating sites don’t run a background check on your potential matches. Even if your date doesn’t seem capable of it, you really never know. Instant Checkmate could tell you if your date has a violent past.
2-Are you being Catfished?
Is your date really who they say they are? A background check can show you if they have multiple social media profiles — even ones under different names. You can also see if they are married already, have kids, and what their real age is. The last thing you want is to fall in love with someone who has faked everything.
3-Does your date have an addiction problem?
Multiple drug and alcohol offenses are a huge red flag for addiction. If you find that your date has a history with drug abuse, selling drugs, or DUIs, then it’s something you should at least talk about. If your date is a recovering alcoholic, maybe going out for a drink isn’t the best idea. These offenses usually carry steep financial burdens with them as well, which leads to our next reason to get a background check: debt.
4-Are you dating someone who is neck-deep in debt?
It’s always best to know what you’re getting yourself into. If your date is secretly racked with crippling debt and things get serious, they may begin asking you for money — or worse, convince you to get married for their own self-interest. Knowing the facts can protect you in the future.
5-Is your date a liar?
When you do a background check, you may find some of your date’s past mistakes. It’s okay. Nobody’s perfect. Plenty of people have had a DUI or student loan debt, and it’s the last thing that they want to bring up.
But, once you know the truth it can open a door for discussion. If your date lies to you, then that should ring an alarm. However, if they own up to it, then you can get their side of the story and even become closer as a couple.
Subscribing to InstantCheckmate gives you access to unlimited instant background checks so that you can make sure you’re dating the right person. You should even do a background check on yourself so you know what’s out there — and don’t be surprised if your date researches you, too. Before you meet in person, make sure you arm yourself with knowledge so you can find love without any bad surprises.
Don’t you Dare run behind someone that Don’t want YOU
 
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